If you’re a mom, you’ve probably experienced the heavy weight of mom guilt—that nagging feeling that you’re not doing enough, that you’re making mistakes, or that you’re somehow failing your children.
But what if I told you that what you’re calling guilt might actually be shame?
Understanding the difference between guilt and shame is crucial in learning how to release unnecessary guilt and cultivate a healthier, more balanced mindset.
Guilt vs. Shame: What’s the Difference?
While guilt and shame are often used interchangeably, they are actually very different emotions that impact our self-perception in distinct ways.
- Guilt is a feeling of regret or responsibility for a specific action. It says, “I did something wrong.” Guilt can be helpful because it encourages us to reflect, learn, and make amends.
- Shame, on the other hand, is a deeper and more destructive emotion. It says, “I am wrong.” Instead of focusing on an action, shame attacks our identity, making us feel unworthy, inadequate, or like we are fundamentally failing as a person.
Brené Brown, a renowned researcher on vulnerability and shame, explains that guilt is about behavior, while shame is about self-worth. When we feel guilty, we can acknowledge a mistake and course-correct. But when we feel shame, we internalize negativity and spiral into self-criticism and self-doubt.
Why Do Moms Experience So Much Guilt and Shame?
Mom guilt is a universal experience, but it’s often fueled by unrealistic societal expectations and internalized pressures. Here’s why:
- Cultural Ideals of Motherhood – The idea that a “good mom” should always be patient, selfless, and completely devoted to her children is unrealistic and damaging.
- Social Media Comparison – Seeing curated highlight reels of “perfect” moms can make you feel like you’re constantly falling short.
- Generational Beliefs – Many of us were raised with messages that glorified self-sacrifice and dismissed the importance of a mom’s personal needs.
- The Mental Load – Moms juggle an invisible workload that includes scheduling, emotional labor, and anticipating every family need. When something falls through the cracks, guilt quickly follows.
Check out the articles in my blog series taking a deeper dive into those unrealistic expectations.
But here’s the truth: mom guilt often isn’t guilt at all—it’s shame in disguise. The key to overcoming it is recognizing when you’re feeling guilty for something specific versus when you’re internalizing an unrealistic standard of perfection.
How to Get Rid of Mom Guilt
Now that we understand the difference between guilt and shame, let’s explore practical strategies to release unnecessary guilt and build a healthier, more compassionate mindset.
1. Identify If It’s Guilt or Shame
The next time you feel mom guilt creeping in, ask yourself:
- Did I actually do something wrong, or am I just feeling inadequate?
- Is this a belief I’ve internalized from unrealistic expectations?
- Would I judge another mom this harshly for the same thing?
If you can identify a specific mistake, then guilt might be an appropriate response. But if it’s just a general feeling of “I’m not enough,” then you’re likely dealing with shame—and shame doesn’t belong in your motherhood journey.
2. Challenge Unrealistic Expectations
Perfection is a myth, and good enough is truly good enough. Recognize where you’ve been holding yourself to impossible standards, and replace those expectations with more compassionate, realistic ones.
For example:
- Instead of “I should never lose my patience,” try “I’m human, and it’s okay to have moments of frustration. I can repair and reconnect.”
- Instead of “A good mom never needs time for herself,” try “Taking care of myself makes me a better mom.”
3. Reframe Mistakes as Learning Opportunities
Guilt can be productive when it leads to positive change, but it should never turn into self-punishment. When you make a mistake, ask yourself:
- What can I learn from this?
- How can I handle this differently next time?
- How can I model self-compassion for my kids?
Your children don’t need a perfect mom; they need a mom who shows them how to navigate mistakes with grace and resilience.
4. Stop Comparing Yourself to Other Moms
Comparison is a fast track to unnecessary guilt. The mom who always packs organic lunches? The one who seems to have endless patience? You’re only seeing a fraction of their reality.
Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on what works for your family.
Ask yourself:
What matters most to me, and how can I align my actions with that?
What are my strengths as a mom?
What unique gifts do I bring to my family?
I often feel a lot of Mom Shame about always nagging my kids and not being the fun parent. When I look back on photos like this one, I’m reminded that there are plenty of times that I can let loose and be silly.
Instead of comparing yourself to others, focus on what works for your family. Ask yourself:
- What are my strengths as a mom?
- What unique gifts do I bring to my family?
- What matters most to me, and how can I align my actions with that?
5. Speak to Yourself Like You Would a Friend
When you catch yourself spiraling into guilt or shame, pause and ask: Would I say this to a friend?
You wouldn’t tell your best friend, “You’re a terrible mom for forgetting snack day at preschool.” You’d likely say, “It’s okay! You have a lot on your plate. Your child is loved, and one missed snack won’t change that.”
Practice self-compassion by using the same kindness in your inner dialogue.
6. Set Boundaries & Prioritize Your Needs
Mom guilt often stems from the belief that we should be available 24/7. But constantly putting yourself last leads to burnout. Setting boundaries—whether it’s asking for help, carving out alone time, or saying no to unrealistic expectations—doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you sustainable.
Remind yourself:
- Rest is not a luxury—it’s a necessity.
- Your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s.
- A well-supported, well-rested mom is a better mom.
7. Surround Yourself with Supportive People
If you’re struggling with guilt and shame, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Find a judgment-free support system—whether it’s a group of mom friends, an online community, a coach, or a therapist.
Being around people who validate your experiences and remind you that you’re doing enough can make all the difference.
Final Thoughts: You Are Enough
Mom guilt is normal, but it shouldn’t rule your life. The next time you feel guilt creeping in, pause and ask yourself: Is this guilt or shame? Is it helping me grow, or is it making me feel unworthy?
You are already a good mom—not because you’re perfect, but because you show up, you care, and you love your kids deeply. Let go of the guilt that doesn’t serve you, embrace self-compassion, and know that you are enough, exactly as you are. 💛