The Hidden Reason You Lose Your Sh*t with Your Kids—And How to Fix It

Parenting is a journey filled with moments of joy, frustration, and deep self-reflection. Recently, I had a lightbulb moment (again) about how I was showing up as a parent and the unintended messages I was sending to my child. This realization came after I lost my shit a little with my youngest. I found myself in a cycle of frustration and escalating emotions (his and mine).

The Incident That Sparked Awareness

It all started with a simple interaction, like it usually does, where my kiddo wasn’t listening.

He kept interrupting me, completely ignoring my requests to stop and slow down.

Like many parents, I resorted to setting a consequence: if he didn’t stop, he would lose his device privileges. When he continued his behavior, I followed through with the consequence.

Later, he asked me why he had to lose his device, and I explained it was a consequence of not listening. But his response caught me off guard: “I thought you were just mad at me and punishing me.”

That stopped me in my tracks.

I immediately reflected on why he thought that, replaying the moment in my head. I realized that, yes, I had raised my voice and I’m sure a vein or two was popping out.

My frustration had shaped the entire interaction. My facial expressions, tone, and rising volume all signaled anger.

In that moment, he wasn’t internalizing a lesson about listening and consequences—he was perceiving my emotions as punishment.

Understanding the Root of My Reactions

As I reflected, I could feel the tightness in my chest and the tension building with every interruption. My frustration was escalating, but why? When I slowed down and explored what was underneath, I discovered a few key (and unhelpful) thought patterns:

1. Hand-Me-Down Parenting Beliefs: I grew up with the idea that children must listen to authority figures, or else. That ingrained belief led to an instinctual reaction: “He must listen to me!” (more about hand-me beliefs).
2. Fear About His Future: A deeper fear emerged—the worry that if he doesn’t learn to listen now, he won’t develop discipline, respect, or responsibility. And, that he listen to a woman.
3. Fear of Consequences for Myself: I also realized I was dreading the fallout. If I took away his device, I’d have to deal with his boredom. If he got upset about the consequence, I’d have to manage his emotional reaction and I was in no condition to do that.

At the core of my frustration was fear—fear about his behavior, his future, and my own discomfort in handling the aftermath.

How Fear Shapes Parenting

Fear often underlies our strongest reactions as parents. We worry about our children’s development, their habits, their character, and their ability to function in the world. These fears lead us to grip tightly to control, hoping to prevent worst-case scenarios.

For example, if my child refuses to brush his teeth, my immediate fear-driven thought is: If he doesn’t brush his teeth now, he’ll develop cavities, have bad hygiene, and struggle as an adult.

If he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor, I catastrophize: He’ll grow up to be messy, disorganized, and incapable of taking care of himself.

These fears make us react in ways that don’t always align with the lessons we genuinely want to teach. When fear dictates our responses, we resort to control tactics, ultimatums, and frustration instead of fostering understanding and connection.

The Power of Self-Reflection and Repair

Realizing that fear was behind my frustration allowed me to approach parenting differently. Instead of staying stuck in shame, I chose to reflect and repair.

When I realized he thought I was punishing him out of anger, I said, “I’m sorry that I didn’t control my emotions better in that moment. I was frustrated because you weren’t listening. And, when you don’t listen to me, I worry about what happens if you don’t listen, if you don’t learn certain habits. And when I get afraid, I try to control the situation too much. That’s why I got upset.”

This moment of repair helped him understand that my rules aren’t just arbitrary commands—they come from love and concern. It also modeled emotional awareness, showing him that even adults have big feelings, but we can acknowledge them and choose how to respond.

How to Apply This Awareness in Everyday Parenting

1. Pause and Get Curious – When emotions run high, take a step back and ask: What am I afraid of right now? Identifying the fear can shift your reaction from control to understanding.
2. Separate Emotion from Discipline – Consequences should be consistent and logical, not driven by frustration. If you feel overwhelmed, take a moment before enforcing discipline to ensure it’s coming from a place of teaching, not punishment.
3. Own Your Reactions – If a situation escalates, don’t be afraid to circle back and apologize. Model emotional regulation by showing your kids that it’s okay to acknowledge mistakes and learn from them.
4. Reframe Fear as Concern – Instead of parenting from fear, try reframing it: I care about my child’s growth and well-being, so how can I guide them in a way that nurtures trust and understanding?

Final Thoughts

Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about growth, awareness, and connection. When we recognize how our fears shape our reactions, we gain the power to respond with more intention and compassion. The more we practice self-reflection, the more we equip ourselves to parent in a way that fosters emotional intelligence and resilience in our children.

By getting curious instead of reactive, we not only improve our own well-being but also create a home environment where our kids feel seen, heard, and supported. And isn’t that the kind of parenting we all strive for?