This is the last article in a four-part blog series diving deeper into the causes of mom burnout, from patriarchy to emotional neglect, and the unique impact it all has on moms.
Check out the other articles in the series: What Is Mom Burnout? How to cultivate a mindset that beats burnout; It’s a Beautiful Day to Smash the Patriarchy and Breaking the Cycle: Overcoming Negative Influences and Reclaiming Your Mindset as a Burned-Out Mom.
The purpose of this series and of the whole Burnout to Balance program has been to share what I’ve learned and experienced as a therapist and a mom because I believe knowledge is power.
I want you to know that it is possible to get rid of mom burnout. Occasional overwhelm, maybe not. But feeling endlessly tired, like nothing is going right and the world is out to get you, absolutely!
I want you to know where burnout comes from so you can dig it up from its root and be free of unrealistic expectations and standards.
Burnout : Motherhood :: Suffering : Buddhism
I was never sure about those analogy questions on standardized tests in school unless they were obvious, but the parallels to mom burnout and Buddhism’s Four Noble Truths of suffering seem pretty clear.
Buddhists believe that suffering exists AND that there is a path to enlightenment.
I believe the same about mom burnout.
- Mom burnout exists. (duh)
- Childhood emotional neglect (CEN), legacy burdens, and all the unrealistic expectations and patriarchal beliefs about motherhood contribute to a burned out mindset.
- We can heal our brains and bodies. We can grow as humans and moms.
- With a healthier mindset paired with the right tools and systems, we can find (and maintain) balance.
The previous articles in this series addressed the first two truths: that burnout exists and why
Today’s article focuses on the third and fourth truths of mom burnout: that it is possible to do it all without losing your shit and there is a path to balance.
A light in the darkness
This is the point where you may be feeling a little skeptical and starting to wonder how all this relates to your own life as a mom.
And, that skepticism is welcome, encouraged even!
I don’t want you to just take my word for it. Like I said earlier in this article, as a therapist, I want to empower you with knowledge.
I want to share the beacon of hope that I turn to when feeling lost, overwhelmed, and on edge. Drum roll please…
My light in the darkness is neuroscience.
Specifically, neuroplasticity and ideas like earned secure attachment, interpersonal neurobiology, mindfulness, emotion regulation, and many more.
I tell clients that neuroplasticity is what makes my job possible. If we were unable to heal and change, then therapy wouldn’t exist. #ibelieveinscience
Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to change it’s structure and function in response to internal and external stimuli.
There are plenty of books and guides with all kinds of suggestions for things that will fight burnout and make you happier. Millions of dollars are spent each year on self-help books and material.
Unfortunately, most of these give ideas for things you can do, which just adds more to our plates. Or they tell about how to reframe negative thoughts and have just more gratitude.
Neuroscience and the literal act of reprogramming our brains is a different, more lasting approach. One that really taps into these core sources of burnout, like the unhealthy messages, and fundamentally changes our mindsets to protect us from burnout.
Banning Burnout from the Inside Out
Hopefully, by now you’ve all seen the Inside Out movies and how our emotions and thoughts can be personified. Instead of banishing any negative thoughts or upsetting feelings from your brain, I want you to think of them as those little people in your brain.
Think back to your childhood and picture that little girl version of you who first heard all those unhealthy messages. The part of you who learned that there was a standard she had to meet in order to be a “good girl.”
When we feel overwhelmed and burned out, that is that little girl trying to trying to make sense of all those conflicting expectations and figure out the “right” thing to do.
Bring her in close. Get down on her level just like you do with your kiddos when they’re upset. Let her know that you understand why she feels overwhelmed and tired. Let her know that you want to share somethings that will help her feel better.
Start by showing her how old you are. Show her that you’re no longer a kid, but that you’re now a mom with kids of your own. Show her that you have a job and a house and way more power over your life than she did as a kid.
Tell her that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. Tell her that the unhealthy messages she heard growing up are not fact. She’s not too much or not enough. She’s not too loud, too bossy, or too shy.
Explain to her where these messages come from and why she no longer has to carry them around. Help her see how experiences of being criticized and rejected had nothing to do with her and everything to do with the critic’s own struggles, insecurities, and fears.
Sit with her as she processes it all. Take as much time with this as she needs.
We know kids, even inner ones, need A LOT of repetition and patience. Once you sense that she is starting to understand and seems a feel a little more settled by this new information, let her know that you will visit her again. Let her know you will check in with her a little bit each day.
When it feels right, give her a big hug and send her off to do whatever she wants. Usually, these parts of us want to go do something very kid-like. Mine usually wants to go outside or play a game.
Manifest Your Mom Destiny
Now that we’ve dug up the roots of Mom Burnout and reconnected with that little girl inside of you, it’s time for you (with some help from that little girl) to use your healthier, more balanced mindset to re-design your life.
In the next article, I will share just how you can do that. We’ll talk about how the three pillars of prioritizing, so you can say no to burnout and yes to you!