In my blog article, What Is Mom Burnout?, I wrote about the relationship between mindset and burnout. I talked about how our culture, family’s values, our unique adversities and triumphs, wealth or poverty, and upbringing all shape our mindset by influencing our perspectives and experiences.
It’s a Beautiful Day to Smash the Patriarchy is the first in a series of articles that take a deeper dive into some of those influences and how they impact moms in particular.
Today’s article is the third article in that series. In it, I share my own story with a common, but widely unknown, negative thread woven into our mindsets as we grow up: childhood emotional neglect (CEN).
According to the experts…
I first learned about emotional neglect in undergrad. But, I tended to (wrongly) think of only extreme examples, like parents who never spent any time with their kids, parents who were either too drunk or high, or parents who just saw their kids as a burden.
I didn’t consider myself emotionally neglected.
My childhood was “normal.” I grew up middle-class in a safe, small town. My parents both worked and have stayed married. We did stuff and took vacations. We played outside A LOT. Like I said, normal.
According to Dr. Jonice Webb PhD, emotional neglect is a parent’s failure to respond enough to a child’s emotional needs. Emotional Neglect is, in some ways, the opposite of mistreatment and abuse. Whereas mistreatment and abuse are parental acts, Emotional Neglect is a parent’s failure to act. It’s a failure to notice, attend to, or respond appropriately to a child’s feelings.
What I love about Dr. Webb’s work is that it doesn’t completely blame parents for CEN. In her book, Running On Empty, she talks about the Well-meaning But Neglected Themselves type of emotionally neglectful parenting. That’s my type.
My parents were only doing what they thought best based as modeled by their own emotionally neglected parents.
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy model has a concept called Legacy Burdens, which are sets of beliefs we inherit from our parents, grandparents, and ancestors that result in personal hardship or suffering. There are four: Patriarchy, Individualism, Racism, and Materialism. These are all emotionally neglectful (or worse) and harmful to our mindset.
Even if you were lucky enough to have emotional attuned parents, it’s hard to skate through life without some mental bruising.
Reality Check
Despite knowing all that for much of my career, it wasn’t until 2017, when I was at a conference with over 4000 other therapists listening to Dan Siegel (No Drama Discipline and Whole Brain Child) rattle off the list of adult symptoms of CEN that it hit me…
Because our emotional needs weren’t met growing up, we now, as moms, struggle to meet not only our kids’ (and others’) emotional needs, but also our own. How many times have you neglected yourself for your kids or work? How many times have you failed to attend to you? That’s why we’re so burned out!
No wonder…
our cups are so easily drained, but so hard to fill back up again;
that we think we’re bad moms and feel like we’re drowning;
we negatively compare ourselves to other moms’ highlight reels;
we lose our shit and shame ourselves immediately after.
As a mom, I can easily get distracted and forget all about CEN and the negative messages and beliefs that weighing me down and leaving me with little hope.
As a therapist, I know there’s a way out. I know it is possible to heal and grow. I know we don’t have to spend our kids’ childhoods feeling overwhelmed and burned out.
A Spiritual Awakening (of sorts)
In Buddhism, there are four Noble Truths: (1) there is suffering; (2) there is a cause to suffering; (3) there is an end to suffering; (4) and there is a path that will lead to the end of suffering.
I believe burnout and balance have similar truths.
- Mom burnout exists. (duh)
- CEN, legacy burdens, and all the unrealistic expectations and patriarchal beliefs about motherhood contribute to a burned out mindset.
- There is such a thing as an earned secure attachment. We can heal our brains and bodies. We can grow and thrive as moms and humans.
- A healthier mindset paired with the right tools and systems, we can find (and maintain) balance.
Time to reflect
At this point, your brain is likely swirling with a lot of thoughts and questions about burnout and how to find balance. For now, we’re just going to focus on the 2nd one. In the next few articles, I will talk more about the third and fourth truths.
For now, if you feel up to it, I’d like to suggest a little meditation that I hope Buddha would have approved of.
Take the next few minutes or even days to just reflect back on your childhood and life experiences thus far. Was it really “normal” like mine? Did you have instances growing up when you felt unseen or your feelings were ignored?
Think about the women and mothers who have surrounded you throughout your life. What unspoken messages or rules about being a woman and mother did you learn from them?
What was it like growing up as a girl in your family, neighborhood, and school? Was there anything you were allowed, or not allowed, to do because you were a girl?
How did pop culture and the events around you shape your own views of yourself and your body? What kind of feedback did you get from others?
As a young girl, what did you imagine motherhood would be like? How did you picture your relationships with your children? What goals and dreams did you have for yourself?