In the last blog article, What Is Mom Burnout?, I wrote about the vital role that mindset plays in finding and maintaining balance. Check it out here. I also talked about how our culture, upbringing, etc all shape our mindset from a very young age. Today’s blog is the first in a series that will dive deeper into those influences and offer ways to reprogram your mindset (aka smash the patriarchy).
Unexpected Help from an Old Friend
When I first heard about the Barbie movie, I dismissed it for a couple of reasons:
1) I’m a boy mom.
2) I assumed (incorrectly) that it was going to be cheesy and send an unhealthy message a-la Disney-princess to young girls.
Don’t get me wrong. I played with Barbies A LOT.
But, as a brown-eyed girl with curly hair, Barbie left me feeling more inadequate than empowered.
I did have a brunette one, but I cannot remember her name.
I know I wasn’t the only one crying during American Fererra’s speech in the Barbie movie (#spoileralert) about the impossible assignment that women must be all things to all people.
Patriarchy and others’ opinions dictating our success are major contributors of mom burnout.
Fererra’s monologue shines a light on all the contradictions and unrealistic expectations that women face.
“You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.“
As moms, we’re expected to be present with our kids and to fix healthy meals most nights after working all day. We’re not supposed to be too career driven and choose work over our families. But, we do have to work and make enough money to pay for all the experiences, activities, and sports our kids should be in to make sure we’re a good enough parent and our kids aren’t missing out on anything.
It’s ridiculous!
Smash the Patriarchy
In her speech, Fererra also says “But never forget that the system is rigged. So, find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful.”
That part felt like a smack in the face. The system is rigged?!?! It’s impossible to have it all, do it all, be it all?!?
Fine. I accept that it’s rigged. And I am grateful.
But, I am grateful for the wisdom of knowing that it’s rigged.
I’m grateful for that because it allows me to Give. Fewer. Fucks.
F the system. F the patriarchy.
F beating myself up and feeling inadequate because I don’t fit an unrealistically perfect model of what a mom should be.
To quote Beyonce from her Renaissance tour, “I spent so much of my life a serial people pleaser, and finally, I don’t give a fuck.”
The Art of Not Giving a F*ck
Maybe you’re thinking, that’s easy for Beyonce to say.
Just hear me out. We don’t all have to be gorgeous millionaires at the top of our game or look like Barbie to not feel burned out. Also, if you have not yet seen Renaissance or the Barbie movie, please put those at the top of your Watch List.
Acknowledging that the system is rigged and that we’ve been brainwashed to think we’re the problem is the first step to overcoming mom burnout.
When we can clearly identify the sources of mom burnout, we are better equipped to address it.
Hello, my name is Amanda and I’m a (recovering) people-pleasing perfectionist.
I let society’s standards and the opinions of strangers determine my value and worth.
Once I realized this, I was able to name that voice in my head. The one who speaks so many untruths and falsehoods…
“You have no excuse for not going to the gym. You’re just being lazy.”
“What would people think if they knew you didn’t wash your sheets as often as you should…”
“You’re always nagging the boys about stupid stuff. Other parents probably don’t care. They’re going to resent you.”
It’s like a tape recorder in my head playing over and over.
What does yours sound like? Does it lift you up or beat you down? Does it judge you and others, like an equal-opportunity critic?
A Beacon of Hope
While you may feel powerless against a rigged system, you do have control over how it impacts your relationship with yourself and others.
Our light shines brighter when we stop letting how much we sacrifice and over-function to make others happy determine our value and worth.
We feel better about the future when we show up in ways that nourish ourselves, our children and families.
We look forward to living our lives when we design them around our wants, needs, and desires.
When we shed unrealistic expectations and standards, then we move one step further away from burnout and one step closer to balance.